Over the last year and a half it seems that I am asked the same question time after time, "how do you keep on going with all you've been through?"
For those of you that do not know, I was diagnosed with a rare form of Kidney cancer in December of 2008. Since that diagnosis I have underwent two kidney surgeries and many tests. Sickness has become a normal part of my life, and the stamina of the past has diminished by almost 20%. However, through it all, God has been faithful to me.
After my second surgery I went through a bout of depression. I had never experienced this before. As a matter of fact, before my health problems, I was one who would excuse depression of others away as a "lack of a walk with God", or "someone just looking for attention"; boy, was I wrong. I slipped into a state of depression to where I did not want to talk to anyone, and for me that is drastic. I withdrew from my kids and wife for a period of time, and through it all I found that God was faithful to me. During this period of time I was reading my Bible, I was praying, and in front of people I would put on the smile and act as though everything was fine, but deep down - I was hurting and I was letting the devil win. As in many cases, when the diagnosis of cancer is given, one immediately thinks the worst and begins to focus on the end of life, and this is what I did. I withdrew into a state of selfishness without even thinking about the things that God had already brought me through.
I remember the day that God gave me victory. I was reading in I Kings chapter 19, and when I came to verse four I found that I could not get passed it. Here was a great man of God asking God to take away his life. I stopped and began to study this passage like never before. Here is Elijah who had seen the rain stop because God listened to his voice, he watched the pot of oil stayed for the widow so that she and her boy would live through the famine; and he had just called fire down from heaven on Mt. Carmel and following that victory he killed four hundred prophets of Baal. Now, all of a sudden, Jezebel is told of the death of her prophets and she sends word to Elijah that he will be dead by this time tomorrow and he slips into a state of depression and asks God to take his life. Why is this? What transpired between chapter eighteen and nineteen? Here's what I found...
All through Elijah's ministry God had done some great miracles at the bidding of Elijah. When the famine came the Lord fed Elijah with ravens as he rested and waited by the brook Cherith. Later, God told Elijah to go to Zarephath where he would order a widow woman to make him a cake and bring him a little water. After much discussion the widow of Zarephath should much faith by bringing Elijah the first cake and was blessed throughout the rest of that famine for her obedience to God's man. In that same chapter we find the widow's son dies and she cries to Elijah and Elijah prays and the boy is raised from the dead. The comes Mount Carmel! What an incredible story of the power of God. Elijah mocks the prophets of Baal and then commands twelve stones to be brought. They place wood on the altar, then the bullock is prepared, and then they dump twelve buckets of water on the altar and the water fills the trench that had been dug. Elijah prayed sixty-three words when all of a sudden the fire of God came down and consumed everything even the dust. What a great man of God this was - this man named Elijah. So, why is he asking God to kill him in chapter 19 verse 4? Each of these events ultimately cost someone else something. The widow only had enough meal to prepare a cake for her and her son and then they would die of hunger. The widows son dies and she is left with that hopeless and lonely feeling. On Mount Carmel the prophets of Baal were slain after finding that their god was powerless. For the first time in Elijah's life his life has been threatened. Jezebel has said that she will kill Elijah by this time tomorrow. When Elijah knows that he is hunted he immediately slips into a state of depression and asked God to take his life. Simply put, this was the first time death starred Elijah in the face.
I had prayed with hundreds of people who had cancer. I had participated in cancer walks and counseled people through these very times in their life. Yet, I slipped into depression when cancer starred me right in the eyes, and I forgot to remember what i had told everyone else, "God is in control!" The next several verses of I Kings 19 helped me too. By the brook Cherist God used ravens to refresh Elijah during the famine. However, during Elijah's depression we find God sending his angels to minister and comfort his servant. During our darkest moments is when we experience that personal touch from our Heavenly Father. God took Elijah to the mountain where He showed him the fire, wind, and earthquake; but God was not in these! God came by way of a still small voice. When we are down God does not yell and scream at us like we sometimes do to others. God shows ultimate kindness and patience as he scolds Elijah for thinking he is the only one left taking a stand for God. Sometimes we think we are the only one's going through a difficult time and use the excuse that no one can help me because "no one understands what i am going through". We wine and God shows patience. When Elijah snapped out of his depressed state we find that God still had things for him to do. He still had to anoint the next kings of Syria and Israel, and he was to go and anoint the next prophet of Israel - Elisha. Then God says, by the way, Elijah, there are still seven thousand who have not bowed their knee to Baal.
God was not done with Elijah and God was not done with me. Though I am nowhere near the caliber of Elijah, I do understand what it feels like to feel that all hope is lost. Then comes Spirit, the Comforter of the broken and downhearted, and He picks us up - dusts us off and tells us there is still more to do! In spite of this short time of hopelessness in Elijah's life - God still took him to heaven in a chariot of fire (II Kings 2:11).
I remember the day that God gave me victory of my health condition. Oh, I still suffer with health on a daily basis, but my spirit is not sick any longer. "But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." I Corinthians 15:57. I may live with cancer, but I do not live defeated. The medications that I was on contributed largely to my mental state, but they were necessary for a time to get me through the recovery from my surgeries. I thank God for that time in my life because though I slipped into a deep dark valley I was able to see what David meant when he said, "Yea, though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..." Jesus reached down once again and shewed me that He could make a way when there seemed to be no way.
Today, the Bible is more real, my walk with God is so much more refreshing. I love Pastoring more than I ever did before. I enjoy the fact that I can help people through their dark times because now I can say, "I've been there!" I love my wife and children so much more. More importantly than all of those - I love Jesus more than anything in this world! Victory is only found on the other side of a battle! And because of my Saviour - I am on the WINNING SIDE!!
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